5

Birthdays with an Autistic child are hard. Not noticeably for Teddy, but deeply for me. Another milestone moment to highlight all the things Teddy isn't doing yet but younger kids are. It seems like everything is different. Teddy doesn't like opening wrapped gifts. He's too busy, no time for that. If we encourage him to stop and open them he becomes upset, taking the fun out of it for him and everyone else. Instead we try to do experiences. This year we went to the zoo.

Teddy doesn't like cake. He has been watching the "Pavlova" episode of Bluey so I got creative and put some candles on top of the dreamy meringue dessert. He didn't eat one bite. Not even fruit from the top. He got overwhelmed by us urging him to blow out the candles, which he did  blow out one candle. We didn't do a party, didn't invite anyone over after picking him up from Therapy. It would've been exhausting for him. Or maybe it would've been exhausting for me? I don't know why I put so much pressure on him to perform.

At the zoo T needs a stroller to deter him from eloping. At 5 most kids are pointing out the animals, making the animal sounds, and telling little facts about them...its just not the experience we have right now. Teddy's favorite part was running freely inside an empty room we found for a few minutes. I don't know why my heart focuses on these negative thoughts so much.

I don't know why my expectations are set impossibly high.

But here we are, trying. Still baking the "cake" knowing he wont eat it. That its for me, to bring me joy; to offer an opportunity for him to taste if he wants. Lighting candles in hope that this will be the year he blows them out himself. This year he did blow out 1 of 5. Maybe soon when we go back to the zoo he will be telling me the names of animals.

Although he isn't hitting milestones at a typical pace I am trying to slow myself down and enjoy where Teddy is right now. How wonderful the world looks through his eyes. The innocence and joy that emanates from his face. There is no performing for Teddy. When he is happy, he shows it, when he's upset, he shows it. When you ask him something his response is pure. Its not people pleasing or an act. His actions for love are completely from his heart and genuine.

This path is difficult and the emotions attached are heavy. I'm so incredibly proud of Teddy and the progress he has made. I can be proud of him and grieve at the same time for the things that aren't happening for him. There is space for both.